Possession of a bunch of brown seeds and sticks that could not get Peter Hitchens high will now be punished only by the disappointment of smoking them.

What about Dr Who

SHOPPERS have told retailers that a ten per cent discount is worthless so they may as well stop pretending otherwise.

Stores offering special Blue Circle sales where all marked items are ten per cent cheaper are panicking at evidence that shoppers know how percentages work.

Joanna Kramer of Tamworth said: “Ten per cent off a £200,000 house purchase, say, is a significant figure and not to be sneezed at.

“Ten per cent off a pair of jeans, however, is £4.60, a figure roughly adjacent to a Starbucks coffee and neither here nor [LIFTED] there.

“And 20 per cent isn’t much better. My advice would be to hold off on the massive signs in the windows until you hit 25 per cent at least.”

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “[LIFTED]. I can’t believe they’ve rumbled us.

“If they ever find out that we’re making stuff look cheaper by knocking a penny off so it’s only £49.99, we’re doomed.”

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is still technically on work experience and has yet to receive a wage.

The 44-year-old began working for Gordon Brown in 2007 to pad out his CV with some non-profit work and has been there ever since.

He said: “Apparently I’m doing very well but there just isn’t the budget to take anyone on.

“Instead they keep moving me to new positions – MP, energy secretary, Leader of the Opposition – and tell me if I make a name for myself I could get a paying job next year.

“What if I win? I can’t be prime minister and still do my shifts at Domino’s. Giorgio has said, and he’s the manager.

“I’d leave, but Harriet Harman says if I go now she won’t give me a reference and it’ll look like I’ve been in prison.”

Labour peer Lord Alli said: “Miliband? Oh yeah, the workie.

“Have you seen him today? He is supposed to be fetching my Starbucks.”

A NEW version of Danger Mouse will reveal how the main character lost an eye during torture.

The CBBC series Danger Mouse: Origins will be more hard-edged than the 1980s children’s cartoon, focusing on how Danger Mouse sacrificed a normal life for a career in espionage and his obsessive pursuit of the evil toad Baron Greenback.

Co-creator Brian Cosgrove said: “Beginning in the midst of the Cold War, we see DM go from being an idealistic young MI6 mouse to a compromised borderline alcoholic living in a pillar box in central London.

“He questions everything he believes in when he is ordered to help the CIA overthrow a democratically elected government in South America, and witnesses an army death squad massacring civilians from his tiny flying car.”

Children will also finally find out how Danger Mouse got his trademark eye patch. After being captured by Baron Greenback’s hench-toads, a merciless beating with lengths of steel cable resulted in the loss of his left eye.

Six-year-old Tom Logan said: “It was good but I think Danger Mouse should have given electric shocks to the Al Quaeda pigeons himself, instead of letting the Syrian security badgers do all his dirty work.

“Also making Penfold gay didn’t really add anything.”