Adele created by 'sh!t women go on about' brainstorming session

RECORDING phenomenon Adele is the result of some men writing a list of woman-friendly things on a whiteboard, it has emerged.


Some sh!t about being strong without you

Record label executive Tom Logan revealed the singer was invented during a product development brainstorming session entitled, 'The Sort of Sh!t Women Go On About'.

He said: "We quickly built up a list of stuff, including 'heartbreak', 'feelings' and 'yeast infections. Some idiot said 'pavements' as a joke which actually pissed me off 'cause I was trying to be serious, but I wrote it down anyway.

"Then, after a short cocaine break, we explored each of these sub-headings.

"By mid afternoon we had the track titles for what would become Adele's first album, but no notion of who or what would sing it.

"Our first thought was some skinny blonde with big tits who pretends to be bisexual, but then this other bloke, Dan, said that if we were going to sell this to women in supermarkets it should be someone who looks like they aren't going to steal their husband.

"A big girl. Fcuking genius."

However when Logan looked through the company's rolodex of potential female voice providers, he found there were no big girls available.

He added: "I thought, 'well, these bitches may appeal to my mighty penis but they won't shift units to real women with real women's issues and whatever'. There was this one bird, Adele, but she was only seven stone.

"Then it hit me - put her in a fat suit."

Logan is now looking for new projects after being sacked for staring at breasts while biting his lower lip.

Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.


Being beatified is 'dead gear'

The accidental voodoo ceremony now means Yellow Submarine will form a central part of the Roman Catholic Mass and Jesuits must wear the silver jumpsuit modelled by Starr on the cover of his 1974 solo album Goodnight Vienna.

Senior Vatican officials blamed the error on a 'bureaucratic snafu, probably caused by Windows 7', but stressed that once you have beatified someone you can't just take it back.

But Monsignor Alfredo Orsini stressed Ringo was not a saint yet, adding: "We still need a second miracle. The first one being, of course, that Octopus's Garden doesn't actually sound that bad."

The Beatles 'drummer' said: "It's great being the second holiest man alive, after Paul, and I promise that I will only use my superpowers to do good.

"I always thought John was wrong when he said we were bigger than Jesus. All I've ever wanted is to be the same as Jesus. Now I am and it's ace.

"May Ringo be with you."

The Vatican is bracing itself for a slew of applications for sainthood from former rock stars, with three quarters of ELO already looking to be canonised on the basis they sounded quite like the Beatles.

Orsini added: "We'll assess each application on a case-by-case basis but I can already tell Supertramp not to bother. Breakfast in America my giddy arse."

Sainthood expert Nathan Muir said: "Perhaps the second miracle could be that George was a secret kiddy fiddler and that somehow Ringo didn't know anything about it."

Banking crisis caused by woman

20-05-11

THE multi-billion pound collapse of the Royal Bank of Scotland can finally be blamed on a woman.

As it emerged that former RBS chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin had an affair with a senior colleague, experts said his judgement would have obviously been impaired by her seductive allure and dirty promises.

Across Britain there was relief that the RBS disaster, which destroyed the nation's finances and left thousands unemployed, was entirely and comprehensively the fault of an irresistible she-devil with eyes like fire and a voice like chocolate milk.

Julian Cook, professor of saucy bewitchment at Reading University, said: "Sir Fred is completely exonerated. He is yet another innocent victim of the low cut dress and the shimmering thigh.

"I will eat my hat if this woman has ever worn a pair of underpants in her entire life."

Martin Bishop, chairman of I'm Just a Man, a support group for middle-aged adulterers, said: "Here we have a wonderfully talented banker with impeccable judgement being brought down by wanton skankery.

"I cannot tell you how many businesses have collapsed because of dirty, large-breasted secretaries with their cheeky little laughs that seem to say 'oh Mr Bishop, do it to me in a cupboard'.

"Bishop and Co was a thriving insurance brokers until Sandra came along with her lacy bras and her astonishing mouth."

He added: "But, of course, it does take two to create an adulterous affair, so we must not forget the role played by Sir Fred's wife.

"I have no doubt he only fell into the clutches of this sorceress because she was willing to do the sort of moist and/or bendy things that Mrs Goodwin felt were beneath her.

"We are all paying the price for Mrs Goodwin's prudish self-regard. When will wives learn?"

Stephen Malley, senior banking analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "When I saw RBS going on a hell-for-leather acquisition spree that culminated in the insanely overpriced buy-out of ABN Amro, I thought 'this is about some bird'."

We'll call you, IMF tells Clarke

19-05-11

THE International Monetary Fund has promised Ken Clarke it will definitely give him a call about the vacant managing director's position.

With the resignation of Gallic sex monkey Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Clarke had spotted an opportunity to escape British politics after describing date rape as 'a bit saucy'.

With women and men who read calling for him to be sacked, the justice secretary fears his credibility may be damaged irreparably but believes international debt management would benefit from his broad minded approach to sex crime.

However, senior officials at the IMF suggested it may be unwise to replace Strauss-Kahn with someone who thinks his detention at Riker's Island is a tad harsh.

A source said: "Ordinarily Ken would be very near the top of the list. Very near. It's just bad timing really. You can have an alleged sex offender, or you can have someone who thinks that sex offences are just a bit of tickle fun. But you can't have one after the other.

"It's not the Italian Monetary Fund."

A friend of the justice secretary said: "No-one remembers but Ken was actually chancellor for a few years and unlike Gordon Brown he was quite good at it but unfortunately didn't have a bunch of arse-felching hacks to write [LIFTED] articles about his 'genius'.

"He'd be really good at running the IMF. A Frenchman's been doing it, so it's not like it's difficult. And the other great thing about Ken is that he's really good at telling it like it is, even when it couldn't possibly be more wrong.

"If only Cameron had put Ken at the Treasury and Osborne at justice then we'd have a chancellor who knows what he's doing and a justice secretary who knows that sex crime begins at school."

The friend also speculated as to why Clarke had suggested some rapes were cheekier than others.

"He's a huge Dizzy Gillespie fan but he's not very street wise so I think he may have felt some empathy for sex offenders when he was told that a lot of them are obsessed with jazz mags."

Policing seems to work
10-08-11

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

The bold experiment in public order was declared a success after thugs and looters realised there were 16,000 heavily armoured professionals, each carrying a big [LIFTED] stick with their name on it.

The government may now extend 'policing' beyond Royal weddings, the Cheltenham Festival and the fat, jolly, middle-aged one who stands outside 10 Downing Street and hands petitions to the person who then puts them in the bin.

Home secretary Theresa May said: "We should not jump to conclusions. We need to study the results of last night's experiment to make sure that we do not begin policing Britain's streets by mistake.

"Were the rioters a bit tired after three nights of unmolested chaos? Was there anything particularly good on the television? I, for instance, was watching The Mentalist."

Suddenly-introverted rioter Martin Bishop said: "I decided that, on balance, I did not want to be shot in the chest with a plastic bullet. Perhaps if I believed in something, or had some kind of grievance, then maybe. But for the time being I would prefer to remain indoors."

However there were disturbances in parts of Britain that don't matter.

Roy Hobbs, assistant chief constable of West Midlands Police, said something unimportant and reading it would only be a waste of your valuable time.

And Gloucester now faces a 7pm curfew for the next 18 months amid fears that an invitation to an engagement party in Winchcombe may have been set on fire deliberately.

But the country's sombre mood has been boosted as Labour leader Ed Miliband cut short his Amnesty International-approved holiday and offered to help the police investigation with his bionic nose.

He said: "I stand ready and able to sniff out guilt, simmering resentment or a hot Wii."

Miliband insisted he would not make political capital out of the riots but said it would never have happened under a Labour government because until May last year inner-city youths were all exactly the same as Billy Elliot.

Meanwhile, in Manchester, debate continues over whether the city had experienced serious social unrest or a Tuesday.

Richard Dawkins is now convinced there is a higher power

Clicky

Supermarket forced to withdraw advert featuring happy customers
15-09-11

A TELEVISION advert for Tesco featuring cheerful humans roaming its aisles is misleading, a watchdog has ruled.

The 30-second commercial shows relaxed, attractive humans strolling around the supermarket, selecting products in a carefree and composed manner with no underlying murderous intent.

A spokesman for the Advertising Standards Authority said: "To portray any supermarket visit as anything other than unbridled misery is a foul distortion.

"The reality is angry, dishevelled humans dragging their post-work carcasses around coldly-lit aisles, torn between their hatred of the massive soulless food containment unit and each other as they clutch their trolleys with white-knuckled hands.

"The typical demographic mix is single men in work clothes buying cereal for their dinner, parents of marauding children buying them Pixar DVDs in the vain hope they'll chill the [LIFTED] out for five minutes, and weirdos.

"A visit inevitably ends with joining the slowest-moving queue and obsessively edging the plastic toblerone-esque divider thing ever-closer to the preceding shopper's stuff in the vain hope it'll somehow accelerate the process and get you the [LIFTED] out the door a nanosecond more quickly."

A Tesco spokewoman said: "Our customers are treated well and occasionally smile. Our stores are not like Lidl where everything's on palettes like an aid shipment.

"Or Waitrose, where the self-satisfaction permeates the air with a greenish organic haze.

"Basically they are no more inhumane than most aspects of modern life."

Confusion as banker arrested for losing vast amount of money
15-09-11

THERE was widespread confusion today after a banker was arrested for losing billions of pounds.

Kweku Adoboli, a trader with UBS, was charged earlier today with making incredibly bad decisions in the wrong way.

The loss is the latest blow for the Swiss bank which had to be bailed out in 2008 after it lost billions of pounds as a result of making a series of incredibly bad decisions.

It was one of the biggest casualties of the banking crisis which saw dozens of European and American banks lose billions and billions of pounds in a way that was fantastically legal.

Tom Logan, a graphic designer from Stevenage, said: "But if he's...? Then what about...? Surely...?

"No, sorry, I don't understand."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: "From what I understand he's accused of investing some money, losing it and then hoping no-one would find out.

"I'm sure I remember something similar from about three and a half years ago. No, not that poor little French chap.

"Now what was it? I'm sorry I'm getting a bit forgetful. Oh I know what it was, it was the entire Western banking system.

"And this fellow's been arrested, you say? Oh well at least they're finally cracking down.

"Good for them."

Attenborough died in 1972, admits BBC

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts ... 112144670/

'Property ladder' replaced by 'treacherous property rope bridge'
06-07-12

THE metaphorical ‘property ladder’ is to be replaced by a rickety and unstable ‘property rope bridge’, spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

Hungry spiv crocodiles lurk in the water below

The new metaphor will officially replace the outdated ‘ladder’ motif – traditionally used to describe an individual’s progress through the housing marketing – from early August.

Nikki Hollis, head of the government’s housing metaphor think tank, said: “Henceforth, those formerly on the ‘first rung’ of the property ladder will find themselves ‘hanging by a fraying property rope over a fast-flowing river’.

“First-time buyers will be able to imagine their bank manager as Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, laughing and hacking away at the ropes.

“The traditional ‘ladder’ image, with its attendant sense of robustness, order, and a sturdy place to rest your full body weight without plunging to your death, has been outdated for almost a decade.

“This new metaphor will illustrate all of the unpleasantness and jeopardy of attempting to buy or sell a house in the current property market.

“Or ‘property jungle’, as it will now be referred to.”

Other metaphors that were considered include ‘property three-legged stool’ and ‘property red-light district’, in which the homeowner would walk the streets dressed only in a skimpy dress made of their life savings, attempting to attract the interest of leering estate agents in passing Mini Coopers with their logo painted on them.

Ant McPartlin attacked by drunk, angry intellectuals

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts ... 4032484993