BRITAIN BACKS MIDDLE CLASS CHILDREN WHO WANT THE MOON ON A STICK

10-11-10
BRITAIN today threw its weight behind middle class children who deserve everything handed to them on a plate because they're all so very special.


We're lucky to have them
As spoiled young people who think they know everything attacked the police, across the country millions of ordinary workers cheered them on and said they were the best people in the world.

In central London, more than 50,000 lazy, pretentious, self-absorbed protesters said it was vital for Britain's future that the cost of their education should not be allowed to eat into their handsome, white collar salaries and their capacity to pay for [LIFTED], new world music and holidays in the less touristy parts of Italy.

The protest had already attracted widespread support even before the middle class youngsters had injured some policeman, broken some windows and frightened dozens of people who had been working since nine o'clock this morning instead of watching Cash in the Attic or asking their parents for an increased limit on their credit cards.

Meanwhile prime minister David Cameron has cut short his visit to China and is flying back to the UK so that he can meet with the middle class children and apologise for threatening to make their adult lives very, very slightly less affluent.

The prime minister's spokesman said: "They are heroes, plain and simple. I could try and condemn them for injuring policemen and damaging private property, but it would be a transparent lie.

"We're now going to let them run the country for the next two years because they're so clever and special and they know how everything works."

Roy Hobbs, an ambulance driver from Grantham, said the lazy, middle class children who think they are brilliant had inspired him to have a lie in tomorrow before quitting his job, taking someone else's money and then punching a policeman if anyone objected.

He added: "I would go down to London and join them if only I was as wise and clever as they are.

"I'm not fit to lick the boots their parents bought them."

ENGLAND 2026 BID TO BE BASED ON BRIBES AND POISON
02-12-10

ENGLAND'S bid for the 2026 World Cup will focus less on youth development and stadia and more on backhanders and polonium sandwiches, it has been confirmed.

As Fifa president Sepp Blatter announced Russia as hosts of the 2018 event, the Football Association stressed that next time it would simply hand out jiffy bags stuffed with crisp £50 notes along with the implicit threat of certain death.

An FA spokesman said: "We also realised we made a huge mistake bringing David Beckham and Prince William. Next time round we'll just get Kenneth Noyes and couple of Barbara Windsor's ex-husbands out on day release and let them do a bit of mingling."

In Zurich, a delighted Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin said he was 'very very surprised' that his country's bid had been successful adding: "So, so surprised. I really am very surprised indeed.

"I am also very pleased for Mr Blatter and his colleagues. They must be incredibly relieved. I know I would be."

Shortly before the voting began the Russian FA ordered a waiter to offer round a tray of exotic fish paste sandwiches while Mr Putin stood behind him glaring menacingly at each member of the voting committee.

He then asked each of the Fifa officials if they were voting for Russia and if they hesitated or said 'no', Mr Putin immediately replied: "Take sandwich. Is good."

Russia's winning presentation used state-of-the-art computer graphics to depict each committee member cruising along the French Riviera in a Bentley Continental alongside a large-chested blonde woman who was clearly attracted to them, to the strains of Beautiful Day by U2.

But the presentation came to a sudden and dramatic climax with a large, black-bordered photograph of former KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko lying in his London hospital bed, accompanied by the opening bars of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

Mr Putin then took to the stage and said: "We will also build some stadiums and have trains."

England fan Tom Logan said: "I'm gutted for England but I'm also looking forward to going to Russia, having something slipped into my drink, waking up in a basement and told that I have to marry someone's sister and take a load of heroin back to Stevenage or they'll shoot my mum."

WIKILEAKS ROW STOPS SOMEONE FROM BUYING A CHRIS DE BURGH ALBUM

THE point of Wikileaks became clear last night after viral attacks on credit card websites stopped someone from buying Chris de Burgh's The Storyman.


Finally, we can put the war in Afghanistan into perspective

Pro-Wikileaks activists brought down the Visa and Mastercard sites just as Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, was about to do a 'one click' purchase of the Irish singer's 2006 assault on basic human decency.

US secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, said: "I would like to apologise to Wikileaks founder Julian Assange for threatening to have him slightly killed. I now see what he was trying to achieve and I applaud him.

"Anything which starts a chain of events which prevents another penny going into the pocket of that bastard is certainly worth the odd bit of catastrophic damage to international diplomacy here and there."

Wikileaks founder Assange said: "I hope we have all learned an important lesson about jumping to conclusions. In time everything eventually makes sense."

But Bishop stressed he had very much enjoyed De Burgh's 1995 atrocity Beautiful Dreams and simply wanted to play The Storyman in his car on the way to church.

He added: "Julian Assange has brought the world to the brink of anarchy, but because I enjoy listening to Chris de Burgh, somehow that makes me the bad guy?"

Meanwhile, hackers have also attacked the email account of Sarah Palin, causing the Alaskan caribou-murderer to describe Assange as 'un-American' in a way that suggests she has never heard of Senator Joe McCarthy, or perhaps even Julian Assange.

Nathan Muir, professor of manipulative [LIFTED] at Reading University, said: "Mr Assange is an Australian which means that everything he does is, essentially, un-American. I would suggest that as an Australian, he is being Australian."

He added: "Imagine being called un-British. I assume it would would mean you were not being politely racist or that you'd stopped complaining about absolutely everything for five [LIFTED] minutes."

MORTIFIED POLICE DENY BEING INJURED BY PONCES

OFFICERS policing yesterday's student demonstrations have returned to work with serious injuries rather than admit they were hurt by some ponce called Ollie.


Terrified officers clutching their anti-ponce shields

Many have claimed they were run over by a horse or fell off a drunk woman in a holding cell in a bid stop their colleagues finding out they were banjoed by some humanities-studying [LIFTED] from Buckinghamshire.

Assistant commissioner, Roy Hobbs, said: "If the criminal element know we can be knocked on our arses by somebody sporting an absurd sense of entitlement and a man-bag we may as well set fire to the whole city right now."

Hundreds of protesters were 'kettled' during yesterday's demonstration, drawing comparisons with 1970's Kent State Massacre from a first-year history student with a full bladder and a head full of monkey turd.

But violence erupted as soon as police moved the crowd into a 3G black spot, leaving many unable to update their Twitter feeds with comments that will come back to haunt them when they are earning six figures at HSBC.

One police officer said: "I never thought I'd be kicked in the face by a pair of Doc Martens with daisies painted on them.

"When I got home, I told the wife I was in the evidence lockup pinching the kids some Christmas presents when a load of seized pornorgraphy fell on my head.

"If she knew the truth I'd be little more than a PCSO in her eyes and that's no kind of life."

Ollie Bishop, a furious and passionate 19 year-old from High Wycombe, added: "Gotta get down to it, soldiers are gunning us down. Should have been done long ago. What if you knew her and found her dead on the ground? How can you run when you know?

"Actually - forget that - she's fine. I think she just dropped her iPad."

...

Quality

Weirdo.
clicky

Some of this year's female contestants were hot from the clips I saw, but that's definitely taking it too far

Afghan war caused by MoD budget shenanigans, reveals email

THE war in Afghanistan was started so the Ministry of Defence could avoid a £13bn underspend, according to a leaked email.

The classified memo, sent in August 2001 by former deputy head of the army General Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, was circulated to more than 20 senior MoD staff asking for ideas on how to get billions of pounds 'out the door' before the end of the financial year.

He wrote: "At the moment we are looking at an underspend of about £13bn. Any chance we could organise a couple of conferences, or maybe do some away days? Should we knacker a submarine and ask for a new one?"

He added: "Don't be afraid to be bold. At this stage there's no such thing as a bad idea."

Among the replies, Lieutenant Colonel Martin Bishop said: "If we get some Saudis to fly a plane into a skyscraper, that should start a war. Possibly in Iraq but probably Afghanistan, which is quite far away.

"I've asked around my section and the prevailing view is that it would require lots of large machines, a ship and a load of petrol. And some bombs.

"Strictly back of the fag packet, but I reckon that should soak up at least £10bn by March 31st. Then all we should need is two seminars and three away days. I've heard that Celtic Manor is very nice."

The Afghan war idea was seized upon by General Finch-Hatton who took it immediately to prime minister Tony Blair who then set about finding a dozen psychopaths, measuring the distance from Afghanistan to London and block-booking 22 rooms at Gleneagles after discovering that Celtic Manor had a wedding on.

General Finch-Hatton said today: "Anyone who has ever been in charge of a budget knows that the most important thing is to spend it or you won't get as much next next year. The same rules apply whether it's paper clips, pointless trade quangos or massive international wars.

"Hitler's accountant was a total Nazi."

Cheryl enjoys steamy holiday with Gerry Anderson puppet

CHERYL Cole and Captain Steve Zodiac of Fireball XL-5 have been all over each in South Africa.


They first met when the puppeteers worked out how to make Captain Steve dance

The pop icon was spotted in a series of steamy clinches with the puppet at their luxury hotel, and had to be professionally removed by one of his team of operators after becoming entangled in the strings.

A fellow holidaymaker said: "They were at each other like horses. She was caressing his varnished chest while he repeatedly tapped her buttock by moving his arm in a sort of swinging motion.

"It looked like the real thing to me. The pair seemed completely oblivious to the other guests, and also the team of six men on a portable scaffold controlling the puppet's movements with considerable dexterity.

"I have to say Steve is very handsome in the flesh, or whatever material he's constructed of, and also I imagine very collectible. Particularly if Cheryl's kept his original packaging."

Another onlooker said: "They looked just like any other couple in love, except she had to smother him in Cuprinol before he could go in the pool."

It has also emerged that hotel staff were summoned to the couple's room at 3am after Steve's head became locked in a backwards-facing position.

One staff member: "It took four of us to yank it back around, god knows what they'd been up to.

"Personally I think the puppet's more suited to manipulating a pretend spaceship than a pretend singer."

Mumsnet into filth

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.


'Oh yes, that's it...'

The community website, which can bring down a rhino at 40 paces, has abandoned its support for online pornography filters after having a look at some of it.

Biting her bottom lip, a spokeswoman said: "Oh my. And they've only just met. Look at the size of his whatsit!

"Oh my."

Bookmarking a variety things for later, she added: "We have decided that filters would be a form of censorship or something.

"Ultimately it is the parents' responsibility to ensure that children do not look at pornography by making sure that favourite sites are bookmarked with really boring labels like 'car insurance' or 'Amnesty International'."

Since discovering online pornography the discussion threads on Mumsnet have veered from traditional subjects such as teething and clever things to do with carrots to sticky threesomes and clever things to do with carrots.

Meanwhile thousands of members have even logged in to Dadsnet in a bid to source the hottest mum-on-mum action live from Rotterdam.

Mumsnet obersturmbahnfuhrer, Jane Thompson, said: "If I put a filter on my doo-da I'll never get it off again.

"That said I suppose I could always get a man to come round, just like the heroine of Dongle IV: Stick it In."

Vigilante nan declares war on street crime and black people

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.


'I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger'

Mrs Gerving, a retired head teacher from Guildford, has been hailed as a hero since beating a group of masked robbers to the floor with her handbag in a brutal street battle because she thought they were afro-Caribbean.

In an interview with Racist Nan magazine, she said: "I saw a group of men with their faces covered, robbing a shop. My first thought was, 'darkies up to no good as usual - I must launch myself at them'.

"The police said after they caught them and took the masks off they discovered they weren't coloured, but I don't believe them.

"They can make themselves look white. It's all done with computers."

She added: "It's about time we stood up to these foreigners. They're as bad as people who serve tea in polystyrene cups."

Plumber Tom Logan, from Swindon, said: "I am fed up with crime and as a Top Gear viewer I'm very comfortable with semi-ironic racism, which must mean that I think Mrs Gerving is a national treasure.

"She actually reminds me of The Punisher but with varifocals and a colostomy bag."

Pc Stephen Malley said: "As a policeman I am naturally torn. On the one hand I don't think members of the public should be apprehending criminals, but on the other I am really quite racist.

"I'll probably need to go on a course."

Libya facing civil war over how to kill Gaddafi

LIBYA was split down the middle last night over how Colonel Gaddafi should eventually be killed.


Crazy trial! Crazy trial!

Amid angry scenes some called for a kangaroo court and a hastily organised firing squad, while others are demanding a crazy show trial and a televised hanging.

The divisions over Gaddafi's imminent death emerged minutes after the Libyan leader's carefully planned charm offensive had somehow backfired.

In a warm and intelligent speech littered with good natured death threats, Gaddafi tried to ease the concerns of a furious population by saying they were all on drugs and that he would really like to massacre them.

But as Western nations began to evacuate their stranded Libyan oil money, millions of ordinary people said they would fight to the death over how Gaddafi should be executed.

Sulieman al-Kalifa, spokesman for the February Kangaroo Movement, said: "The Romanians didn't dick about with Ceausescu. They scooped him out of a tank, took him to a canteen, asked his name and then whacked him behind a bike shed.

"The whole thing took about 20 minutes. Bish bash bosh. That's got to be better than a lot of farting about."

But Mohammed Bakra, deputy chairman of Crazy Trial Now, insisted a Ceausescu-style firing squad would deprive Libya and the world of an hilarious two-month court case.

He said: "Basically, we just stick him in a glass box and let him go mental.

"It will be very, very funny and we can make CDs and podcasts. You could sit on the tube listening to Colonel Gaddafi going on about cheese-flavoured Western pixie-devils and why you should never share a sleeping bag with a bearded man."

He added: "I reckon we could get six, maybe eight weeks out of it before we get bored. Then we just find him guilty and hang him in the football stadium at seven o'clock on a Saturday night.

"We could get McFly to do the warm-up."

Humans to stick with oil

HUMANS are to continue to base their societies on a highly toxic substance that obviously costs far too much money.

As the price of oil reached yet another high for transparently artificial reasons, across the Earth humans vowed to stick with it even though it has clearly made their lives immeasurably worse in almost every conceivable way.

Bill McKay, a senior oil industry analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Volatility Libya demand equals two China spikes and a triple Opec.

"Unstable India-Brazil spiked by Kuwaiti-Brent Opec demand as crude Libya instability Chinas a volatile Saudi."

He added: "Vortex of uncertainty."

McKay said the price of oil would continue to rise because and warned that if you stop using it people will think you're weird.

McKay's analysis was backed by Professor Martin Bishop, the Nobel prize-winning economist who first developed the theory that large companies could make a lot of money by charging whatever they felt like.

He said: "Oil is the basis of our society for four incredibly good reasons: One, it is controlled largely by corrupt psychopaths in places like Libya, Saudi Arabia, Russia and Texas.

"Two, as it starts to run out it will become even more expensive leading to a series of exciting wars while we wait until there is none left before deciding to use something else.

"Three, every time the price increases it [LIFTED] up everything."

"And four, it gives off lots of delicious carbon dioxide and has killed more than 248 billion fish."

Bishop's analysis was backed by everyone who stressed that without oil they would be rooted to the spot and would eventually die of starvation and lack of plastic.

They also said that using different things to make things go was impossibly complicated and hopefuly illegal.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: "If there was even such a thing as solar power I would be against it. Mainly because it doesn't smell of anything but also because the people who are in favour of it are homosexual.

"They put on bright red lisptick and kiss each other on the penis and then they all skip around a solar panel wearing fancy pink lace."

He added: "I'll die before I drive a car that likes bottoms."

Pepsi to corner foul-mouthed adulterer market

COCA-Cola has left the door open for Pepsi to corner the soft drinks market for sweary whore-mongers.

The drinks giant said it wanted to focus on building the Coke brand in the polite, faithful bore sector, currently dominated by Lucozade Sport.

Martin Bishop, fizzy drinks analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "This is Pepsi's big chance. Expect to see a series of adverts with young men going at it hammer and tongs in a Travelodge with some boozy skank, or perhaps something simple like the words 'Pepsi' and '[LIFTED] You' alternating to a thrash-metal soundtrack.

"It seems a strange move by Coke given the sheer number of young people who can construct entire sentences using nothing but explicit sexual swear words and want to hump anything that moves."

It is Coca-Cola's second foray into the clean-living market after its 2001 bid to make Fanta the natural home of people who found Tango adverts to be dangerously subversive and with sinister, gay undertones.

Meanwhile Pepsi could face a stubborn challenge from Vimto and Tizer, two brands associated with men who live in their own filth and believe every aspect of life should be as disgusting as humanly possible.

Bishop said: "A Tizer man will see Pepsi as trying too hard. If they want to grab the Tizer market they may have introduce some kind of ring-pull based prostitute give-away.

"The only two brands that have little to worry about are Dr Pepper, bought by people who think it's some kind of political statement, and Lilt, bought by weirdos."

But Bishop stressed that Pepsi would inevitably have to settle for being the world's second most sordid non-alcoholic beverage, after Orangina.

He added: "Pepsi can throw money at it all day, but it'll never be French."