What do you get if you get 2 out of 3 in this set of criteria?

DUMPED WOMAN IN BID TO CORNER GLOBAL COCOA MARKET

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.


Hollis is building a warehouse near Newark in which to hoard her beans

Hollis, from Grantham, purchased around seven percent of the world's chocolate last week after Stephen Malley confirmed that although he loved her, he wasn't in love with her.

She said: "The plan was to just get a couple of grab-bags of Maltesers that I could eat while calling my best friend Emma and crying down the phone in a bloated orgy of self-justification.

"But my self-control gave out and before I knew it I was in a meeting with the board of Cadbury and posing as the chief executive of Borrison's, a fictitious supermarket chain that will soon be opening stores across the Midlands and East Anglia."

Nikki's original plan was to devour the stockpile while watching the two-part season finale of Grey's Anatomy and casually masturbating.

But now she intends to increase her cocoa holdings, drive up the price and sell at the top of the market before using the money to build a giant bomb that kills self-centred arseholes.

Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Price hikes like this can cause instability for low volume producers in the developing world. Let's just hope she doesn't find out that Stephen and Emma have been at it since March."

Paul Mansa, a Ghanian cocoa farmer, said: "My wife blames Stephen entirely. However Nikki seems like an annoying, self-absorbed cow so I can understand Stephen's position.

"Plus, that Emma is into all kinds of weird [LIFTED]."

LIGHT SABRES POTENTIALLY DEADLY BUT ALSO INCREDIBLY COOL, SAY EXPERTS

POWERFUL light sabres sold online could be lethal but are nevertheless amazing, according to experts.


Your powers are weak, old man

The Institute for Studies conducted exhaustive tests on the weapon, which utilises a potent laser capable of burning through human flesh.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "The sabre fires a beam 1,000 times stronger than a standard laser pointer, and is easily capable of permanently blinding a child. It also makes the exact same sort of 'wooooob' sound as the ones in Star Wars.

"We used the lab environment to reconstruct a potentially deadly light sabre duel. For reasons of procedural expediency I was Darth Vader and my colleague Professor Malley was Obi-Wan.

"After a flurry of blows I cornered the ageing Jedi master, uttering the immortal line 'Your powers are weak, old man', before administering the coup de grace across his buttocks."

Professor Stephen Malley said: "It really [LIFTED] hurt. Certainly at the time I felt convinced that this type of device should not be available to the general public.

"However I changed my mind later on when I ambushed Henry in the canteen and swiped him across the back of the neck with my own blue beam of death. He sort of collapsed, and was just rolling around on the floor, screaming like the little bitch that he is.

"I stood over him and said 'Join me, together we can rule the galaxy' in a deep voice, and everyone cracked up. He was properly crying."

He added: "On a more serious note, this is an incredibly potent weapon capable of causing irreversible physical harm.

"I recommend that it be banned forthwith, although mainly because I like the idea of being the only person who's got one. The last Jedi, if you will."

But Professor Brubaker was more equivocal: "I guess it's like all these things, it's alright if you're not too much of a prick. So probably the light sabres should be labelled 'NOT FOR SALE TO PRICKS'.

"Then it would be okay."

BRITAIN STILL LYING ABOUT HOW DRUNK IT IS

BRITAIN continues to tell the most transparent lies about how much it has had to drink, according to new research.


This man has had a bad prawn

The Institute for Studies found that more than 70% of British adults said they have had only one or two small glasses of white wine shortly before collapsing into a hedge or climbing on top of a car and going to sleep.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "Maybe it's the new puritanism or some bollocks like that. All these [LIFTED] going round saying 'don't do this, don't do that' and now everyone's trying to look all goody-goody. It's all [LIFTED] [LIFTED]."

He added: "That said, I myself have never been one for heavy drinking. Yes I did go to pub at lunchtime but I've only had a couple of pints. You [LIFTED].

"[LIFTED]. [LIFTED]. [LIFTED]. [LIFTED]. [LIFTED]. Where's the bogs?"

Attempting to hold on to a railing that wasn't there, Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: "I'm fine. I am fine. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?

"Oh dear. I think someone must have slipped a little something into my bandy shass. Oh dear. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?"

Meanwhile Helen Archer, from Durham, insisted she was okay to drive because she had a big lunch and vodka doesn't count.

"You see vodka has no smell - it has no smell - so if the police stop me I can just pretend that I've had a little strokey-poo.

"But then again why would they, given that I don't drink because I'm such a good girl.

"Now then, who would like to see what's in my knickers?"

MINI LAUNCHES FIRST AIRCRAFT CARRIER

MINI has made its first foray into the lucrative 'crossover' market with the launch of a 115,000 tonne aircraft carrier.


It even has a little socket for your iPod

The Mini Aircraftman has its roots in the original design by Sir Alec Issigonis, but is 330 metres longer and can carry up to 90 F14 tomcats.

Parent company BMW said the new model is designed to attract customers who may have been tempted by the Nissan Qashqai but wanted something with a bit more luggage space.

A spokesman said: "The Aircraftman is great about town or on country roads with plenty of room for your growing family. It's also really useful if you need to project power, say in the Arabian Gulf or off the coast of North Korea."

The new model has already been awarded the maximum five-star NCAP safety rating with tests showing that if you were in a collision you would have no idea you had been in a collision.

Carbon emissions of 537,000g/km mean it will cost more than £3m per year to tax, but Mini said owners would save on insurance because it is virtually impossible to damage and you can only steal it if you have all 27 keys as well as 'code nine' clearance from the National Security Agency.

But Mini enthusiast Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park said: "There's something about it which just isn't quite 'Mini'. I can't put my finger on it.

"Perhaps it would help if there was another remake of the Italian Job and they had half a dozen of them going up and down some steps in the centre of Turin."

SECRET MILIBAND BROTHER BLOWS CONTEST WIDE OPEN

THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.



Stryker says Ed will drag the party to the left and has never brought a woman to orgasm


Stryker Miliband made his dramatic intervention yesterday during a press conference by his older brother. Walking onto the podium, he removed a wig and false moustache, looked at the shadow foreign secretary and said: "Surprised to see me David? Well now I'm back and I want what's mine."

A senior Labour source said: "Stryker has always been spoken of in hushed terms. We all thought he had been killed in a freak horse riding accident in 1994. It now seems that was all part of his plan.

"As children, David and Ed formed a very close bond and ganged up on Stryker who was their parents' favourite. When he was 10 they framed him for the murder of a cat and he was sent away to live with some Welsh people."

But the young Stryker, forced to sharpen knives for a living and tell fortunes for lonely sailors, vowed that one day he would return and claim his birthright.

After working his way through Harvard and the Sorbonne he went on to build a global business empire using a series of fake identities.

He dated models, bought a private jet to fly between his luxury homes in Dubai and the Bahamas and used his impeccable business contacts to ensure both his brothers rose through the Labour Party so that one day he would have the satisfaction of snatching the ultimate victory from their grasp.

The source added: "Stryker is everything you want in a Miliband. He's handsome, rugged, successful, sporty and charismatic, rather than just some [LIFTED] weirdo.

"He also knows how to smile properly, instead of looking like someone who's just shat themselves."

The stage is now set for an epic sibling battle filled with intrigue, betrayal and dirty tricks that can only be settled by securing a majority in an electoral college consisting of MPs, trade unions, constituency associations and ordinary and affiliate party members using transferable second preference votes that will be re-allocated if their first choice is eliminated after the first round.

Or blackmail.

UK POLICE HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

UK police chiefs have decided that if they let crime get bad enough some sort of masked hero is bound to intervene.


Might be nice to have a gay superhero

As figures revealed the police are increasingly behaving as if they are scared to leave the station, senior officers have formally declared their intention to let gangs, crooks and punks rule the streets while honest, law-abiding citizens cower in their homes, thereby creating the ideal conditions for superhero activity.

Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Roy Hobbs, said: "The more like a Gotham City or Mega City One-type dystopia Britain's cities become, the more likely it is that a flamboyant vigilante will sort it all out.

"Such a hero would, most importantly, be working on an unpaid basis. So they wouldn't cost the taxpayer a penny in these straightened times.

"If we just let the criminals get on with it, sooner or later they'll murder the right person's parents and that person will create an effective alter ego, probably themed around some sort of animal that frightened them as a child.

"We've bought a big spotlight and a special phone."

However Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, believes modern Britain is a less than ideal context for super-heroic activity. He said: "For starters there's no quality villains. It's mainly just dickheads and drunk people."

Householder Tom Logan thought about becoming a masked vigilante after some local teenager drove a stolen Twingo into his porch. He said: "The police didn't want to know. I thought, enough's enough.

"I decided that I was going to call my alter-ego 'The Horse', becauses horses are strong and powerful and easy to draw in silhouette, with is good for costumes.

"I designed the logo but that's as far as I got. Since then I've been a bit busy at work."

WOMEN STILL PAID LESS FOR HAVING NICE TITS AND A GREAT ARSE

THE pay gap between men and tasty birds who have nice little arses and a smashing set of knockers shows no signs of closing, according to new research.


Women are just as capable as men. And they have lovely titties.

The Fair Britain study found that men were still paid more on average than women even though a record number of women are wearing those tight woollen tops that show a healthy amount of cleavage and really accentuate their pert nipples.

Trevor Phillips, chairman of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, said: "It is distressing that in the early 21st Century women who bend over a lot or who put their leg up on their desk to straighten their stockings are still forced to work for less. Especially the ones that bend over. They're the best ones.

"They're like 'Oooh Trevor, I've dropped my pen' and then they take ages to pick it up and then when they do they suck it really slowly to make sure it still works.

"They should get twice as much money as everyone else in the world."

Bill McKay, chief executive of recruitment agency Humans4Sale, said: "It is incredible that in an age where those micro-hotpants that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination are commonplace, that the bottom that goes inside them is somehow worth less to an employer than my bottom.

"Don't get me wrong, my bottom's not bad, but it's not going to keep you awake at night."

He added: "I can only imagine that women are worth less in the workplace because, you know, they're all out of their [LIFTED] minds.

"And then there's all the periods and their incessant, [LIFTED] chatter about the utter rubbish they've read in some [LIFTED] magazine or watched on Living [LIFTED] TV, or that they generally have the attention span of an idiot goldfish that's just got Sky+ despite the fact that they are being paid good money to pick up pens and try on hotpants.

"Apart from that I haven't the faintest idea."

I was laughing at that until I realised the two best genre shows on at the mo are both on Living TV

You're gonna have to enlighten me on that score

Nikita and Sanctuary.

Certainly liked the first ep of Nikita, haven't seen Sanctuary.

It appears the chief exec of Humans4Sale is also the former Miss Cornwall winner!

Henry Brubaker and Tom Logan turn up quite a bit too

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
20-10-10

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a caring individual, you always make sure the meat you buy has come from animals that had a half-decent life before they were hacked to bits and wrapped in plastic like a lorry driver's last victim. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week enhance your brand image by sponsoring a stupid, violent little turd who demands £10m a year to play football when he's not balls-deep in wretched, money-grabbing tarts.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Thousands of miles travelled, giant spiders, wraiths, almost-certain death around every corner and you're telling me you and Frodo never had the odd comfort wank? If you say so.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Up to 93% of human communication is based on non-verbal cues, so it's a shame you can't see my eyebrows calling you a cretinous monkey-fiddler.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you'll have a once-in-a-lifetime experience when you suddenly explode.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Dum-dum-dum-dum-Dum-dum-dum-dum-Dum-dum-dum-dum-Dum-dum-dum-dum FLASH! AAA-AAGH! HE'LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US! Apart from Duncan Bannatyne, obviously.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Given the nature of M&S food advertisements, you are shocked and confused this week when they have you arrested for rubbing your nipples all over the sticky toffee puddings.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Dirty bastard.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your should probably read more. Start with the one that has the fuzzy caterpillar on the front.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You've got 175 positive reviews on Ebay, proving there's always a market for reasonably-priced stolen iPhones.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The food was scrumptious, the décor delightful and the company charming. Just a shame I was served by that disgusting Frenchman.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While your motto is 'a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips' it doesn't really apply to foreplay. Now, where were we?