With thanks to the BBC news Website:

A man has had enough of his wife and decides to have her killed. After going through some seedy bars he finds a man called Arty who says he would kill her for £1. The deal was done and the man told Arty that she worked at Poundland and started at 6:30am and usually entered the shop on her own at that time as others were not due to start until 7:00am.

The following morning Arty laid in wait for her to arrive, but she was late and turned up at 6:50am. As she opened the door he bundled her in and strangled her, just as he was about to leave a colleague arrived so he strangled them, then another turned up and he despatched them in the same way.

Soon he was greeted by another five who overran him,and had him arrested.

The headlines in the newspaper at the beginning of his trial read, 'Arty chokes three for a pound at Poundland!

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, dear?"
"Pussy and Bitch."
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
"Thanks, Mom.."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

'I'm afraid I can't discuss individual cases'









More here:

http://www.theoldie.co.uk/cartoonsAndPu ... d=0&page=1

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that
tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX
children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too
kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a
foot high.'

Father Christmas, A rich lawyer and a poor lawyer are walking down the street. They stop when they see a £50 note on the pavement. Which one picks up the note and why?






















The rich lawyer, because the other two are figments of your imagination.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

A robber with a stocking mask on bursts into a bank waving a pistol. "Everybody get on the floor! Face down!'' he bellows. The customers obey and drop to the floor except for one would-be hero who confronts the robber and pulls his mask off. The robber immediately shoots the man in the face and he drops to the floor dead.

Looking around he sees that a bank teller is watching him and so he shoots him too before putting his mask back on.

Turning back to the cowering people on the floor the robber asks: "Anyone else see my face?"

A moment later a man pipes up…"I think my wife had a peek."

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Psychic Daughter

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "Old Indian Name. It means... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

The Truth About Marriage!


Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

See this is where in the past, idiotic series' all those wanna-be famous 'Big Brother' contestants went wrong, it's not being on reality TV that gets you fame, it's shotgunning the [LIFTED] out of 11 people that gives you instant success and fame glory!

To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are
1) why men are all disgusting pigs
and
2) how to attract men.

Necrophilliacs are dead randy