Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic. Sorry that's an inappropriate word for this site, I meant 'lift'.

Ask any bloke if he can suck his own dick and the chances are he will say no.
Occasionally you might find one who claims he can but you will never ever meet a guy who doesn't know.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a [LIFTED]."

My girlfriend is like a public toilet.

Vacant. But still full of [LIFTED].

If you're still looking for a house Cheryl, I've got a semi you can have a look at.

No wonder you have such a high post count.... octuple post!!!

I just found a lot of good jokes, and then was reminded of this thread.

i went outside a frozen gateau. Chicken and sausages hit me on the head. Its was the fallout from iceland

Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Thursday December 17, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping centre.

'Excuse me; I can ' t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? '

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ' Of course, do you know where your wife might be? '

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere…. '

have you heard the joke you dont tell gays??


















exactly...

New Healthcare plan for the elderly.

The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new free care plan today. If you are 45 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England), one MSP or one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.

As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!

a.. New teeth needed? No problem.

b.. New glasses? They'll be provided.

c.. New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too.


And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.

And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.

Britain. A GREAT country or what.

Wasn't sure if this should be under jokes or news to be honest.

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!
Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT :

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camelshagger to save just one Scottish soldier's life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

Might use that as a sig!