THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"Our First Winter"


DEC 20th
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – grey.

JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh!te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where’s that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th
More f**king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f**king deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th
F**king b*stard white sh!te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back – I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little b*stard’s arse it’ll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*stard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Schuf**kingmacher and buries the f**king driveway again.

JAN 17th
Sixteen more f**king inches of f**king snow and f**king ice and f**king sleet and god knows what other white sh!te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can’ t move my f**king toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f**king snow forecast.

JAN 18th
F*CK THIS, I’M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Man up yourself
Driving down the M6 doesn't take much driving skill, it's mostly straight and very wide.

Try taking a B road round the back of a town to join a single lane carriageway to join a dual lane carriageway because both local bridges were closed off due to the weather and rebuilding work. Then try doing it in heavy oncoming snow on a road you can no longer see the markings on and is filled with blind corners.....
THAT is a driving challenge
And I have ABS ( on a very large car) but no TC, and ABS is not much use in the snow/ice. Engine braking is much more effective

The M6 itself was fine. Everything else, even motorways were 20MPH max, full of idiots who did not know how to drive on snow. There was a bunch of people helping to push cars out of a busy motorway service station, including a panda car. Wales was horizontal snow (couldn't see the road *at all*) and 20-30MPH max where I'd usually be pushing three times that. Ended up getting a tow up a slight incline (Which I've seen since) from a local.

I believe I can talk in this situation.

It has been much wetter here so hose pipe ban looks like a dead cert again.

We have white snow - yes white How unusual

Al

What ever you do. Do not eat the yellow snow!

What ever you do. Do not eat the yellow snow!

20-30mph max where you would be going 3 times that.... I hope you meant 20-23.333mph

Erm, of course.


.. Maybe 24MPH on the motorway...?

<_<
>_>

^_^