A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

An American female walking down the street in Germany passes a man peeing in the bushes and disgustedly exclaims, "Gross!". He replies with a grin, "Danke Schon!"

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

Why do French chefs make omelettes with only one egg?
Because one egg is un oeuf

Operation Yewtree raided my classic Telecaster guitar shop last night.

They took away some sexy Fenders.

I am disappoint. It's all about the Strats.

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

So, Dave Lee Travis charged with sexual offences involving minors over a 30 year period.

Quack quack oops.

Fringe one-liners

The top 10 were:

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Only two of those, at best, are actually funny. The winner is barely above the kind of joke a five year old would tell you.

+1

Ern, I am disappoint.

You must make amends and post ten funny jokes PDQ!

I'm not responsible for what goes on at the Fringe. Wasn't one of the X404er's there? It's their fault

I was there - these must be the 10 funnyest clean jokes
I heard a lot better but no way would the filters or a paper publish them

Peruvian drugs suspect makes emotional plea over hell hole conditions - "Please don't send me back to Dungannon!"

What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?

A vet.

This might have been here before, it might not. I'm not sure.

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8.
We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please. O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"