MISS CORNWALL STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.



Bill McKay, 38, claimed he was from Truro but actually lives in Tiverton.

McKay, an unemployed pipe fitter, was due to represent the county in the finals of the Miss England contest in August. He has now returned the £2000 prize money and a 12 month modelling contract.

He said: "It was a foolish mistake, but when I only got as far as the third qualifying round of Miss Devon I was desperate to keep my dream alive.

"I put a false address on the form and I also ticked the box confirming that I have only ever had one set of grandparents.

"Even then I didn't think I would win. There are some really lovely looking blokes in Cornwall."

Event organiser Roy Hobbs said it was the biggest shock to hit the Miss Cornwall contest since 1977, when it was won by a woman.

He added: "Oh, she was a corker. Graceful, elegant and with thick, hairy arms and a strong moustache.

"I loved her so, but she was already betrothed to her uncle Brian. I'll never forget you Fern Britton."

The Miss Cornwall crown will be transferred to first runner up Wayne Hayes, a mackerel wiper from Padstow, while the second prize now goes to a six year-old Great Dane called Ian.

ENGLAND PLAYERS TIRED AFTER LONG SEASON OF TRAVELODGE SKANKS
29-06-10

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.


Should the Carling Cup be reduced to just three rounds of grubby sluts?
As the England squad arrived back from South Africa, officials said the players were tired after a long season of driving their childish cars to the High Wycombe Travelodge for wanton, beer-fuelled intercourse with wave upon wave of ghastly, fake-titted ultra-skanks.

An insider said: "We need to take a fresh look at the league schedule and see if during European Championship and World Cup years we can finish the season that bit earlier so the players are not still chin-deep in filthy, fame-hungry little strumpets come the middle of May.

"When you add the league campaign, the FA and Carling Cups and European club competitions, the last thing a player needs is more than, say, 30 blonde, pox-ridden floozies homing in on him like he's a big, stupid bastard with too much money."

But leading figures in the game have dismissed skank-rationing as too difficult to police and insist it would be much simpler to identify a new generation of promising young players and then hack their testicles off.

Former England manager Graham Taylor said: "They could keep some sperm in a little cup so they're still able to start a family when they retire from international football.

"In the meantime we'd have a world class squad full of alert, focused eunuchs, all with that extra bit of pace because they won't have a big, annoying scrotum continually getting in the way."

Meanwhile Fifa president Sepp Blatter has apologised to England for Frank Lampard's goal being disallowed, adding: "And that's the same apology I gave to your mommas last night."

Fifa has also confirmed that a number of items were taken from the England players' rooms on Sunday, including underwear, a medal and a Fisher Price Play Centre.

A source said: "I'm sure that whoever stole Wayne Rooney's underpants will now realise that all the money in the world is no substitute for a lesson in basic personal hygiene."

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree? Because Olivia Newton John completely fails to mention it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your date goes downhill when it becomes obvious that the strange smell overpowering the Thai curry she has ordered is coming directly from your groin.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When I tap on the dashboard, I want you to perform an emergency stop. And when I come sprinting out of HSBC, firing my shotgun indiscriminately, I want you to floor the [LIFTED].

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Now that England have been knocked out of the World Cup, that St George flag in your window is starting to make you look a bit right-wing. As is the life-sized cardboard cut-out of Herman Goering on your lawn.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you are called out in the middle of the night to investigate a power cut but end up being violently intimidated by an enormous space ship. After several weeks of abusing your mash potato and filling your living room with mud, you eventually make for a big mountain in Wyoming where luckily the government is planning a musical evening with the aliens who ruined your life. After looking a bit confused and desperate a Frenchman says you can join the aliens on board their mother ship which then takes off, seemingly never to return. Well done for abandoning your kids, you deadbeat weirdo.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man - no time for talk. Actually, that came out a lot more rapey than I'd planned.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you've got vegetarians coming to your barbecue this weekend, try to make an extra effort on their behalf by closing the curtains, turning the music off and pretending you're not in.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Shed 7, Maroon 5. End to end stuff.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your boss is renowned for calling a spade a spade, which is why he's been up before the Racial Equalities Commission 28 times.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your natural revulsion for shellfish is heightened this week after somebody points out that prawns are merely woodlice with swimming certificates.

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
While the authorship of many of Shakespeare's sonnets has been questioned, he definitely did not write the one about the girl from Nantucket. So stop saying he did.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The next time you're hurling abuse at somebody on television, just remember they have more money, work satisfaction and memories in the wank bank than you could achieve in 87 lifetimes. Even James Corden. Would you like to be alone now?

That's just quality

OR WE COULD JUST HANG THEM ALL, BRITAIN TELLS CLARKE

JUSTICE secretary Kenneth Clarke still thinks there are people in Britain who do not believe in capital punishment for just about everything, it emerged today.



£2.50 a yard from Homebase

As Mr Clarke set out a new approach to penal reform, including fewer custodial sentences and a greater focus on rehabilitation, people across the country said that sounded absolutely fine, as long as it also involves hanging them at some point.

Mr Clarke insisted that prison does not work and is becoming increasingly expensive, as Britain listened quietly, nodded and then said: "Ken - d'you know what's really cheap? Six feet of rope."

Tom Logan, perched at the end of his tether in Peterborough, added: "I always thought Ken Clarke was a populist politician who understood the man in the street. Turns out he's some sort of ponce."

Helen Archer, a tightly wound ball of hate from Doncaster, said: "I've no problem with petty criminals doing community service for a couple of weeks - picking up litter, painting fences and what not - as long as at the end of it they are taken from this place to another place, etc etc."

And Julian Cook, a steadily worsening facial tick from Hatfield, added: "I don't think we should execute murders - they should be kept alive so we can study their twisted minds. And of course drug dealers should be set free immediately, as competition drives down prices.

"What I'm talking about is the grubby thieves who force you to lock your doors and pay higher insurance premiums. I'm talking about vandals who spray their 'tags' on beautiful, 18th century buildings or the greasy thugs who mug old ladies for fun.

"And I'm talking - of course - about people who do not indicate at roundabouts.

"No doubt there will be those who say it's all very well talking about it but who among us would truly be willing to pull the lever? To those people I say, 'If you try and stop me from executing someone who invents computer viruses that force me to update my PC every 30 seconds, I'll do you first, you hippy arsehole'."

Sociologist Nathan Muir said: "Britain is a liberal country. Homosexuality, abortion and women are no longer regarded as evil while an increasing number of people believe in the legalisation of fantastic drugs.

"But if you even think about stealing my car, I want you [LIFTED] dead."

COURT UPHOLDS RIGHT TO DISMANTLE BORIS JOHNSON


WESTMINSTER Council have successfully applied for an injunction allowing the dismantling and removal of Boris Johnson.


The scale and impact of the Johnson has caused damage to Parliament Square

Justice Griffith Williams heard Council evidence that Johnson had caused measurable damage to the capital and was improperly constructed.

The London mayor has until 4pm on Friday to remove himself and then pretend to cycle home for 500 yards before being driven away in a Bentley.

A council spokesman said: "Visitors come from across the globe to see the mother of all parliaments and it's not helpful when they're confronted by such a large Johnson.

"He looks like an inside-out polar bear that's just been caught wanking."

He added: "Nobody is denying the upper-classes their right to peacefully use their wealth and influence to run the country using all the cognitive abilities of a sofa cushion. But this Johnson has now reached the stage where he's allowed to sign important letters without somebody taking a look at them first."

Meanwhile Kent has complained that Westminster has simply displaced Johnson onto its doorstep and Essex has already applied for an interim order extending their Johnson exclusion zone to Holland.

Combined legal actions across the UK could eventually lead to Johnson circling the country in a boat.

But Mayorologist Stephen Malley warned: "When you dismantle a Johnson, you run the risk of creating space for an Abbott. It's a bit like dealing with an ant's nest in your garden by unleashing a pack of wolverines."

This is the first RSS feed I've ever seen that doesn't include a link!

And the best

ANNA CHAPMAN ALSO HAS FANTASTIC TITS, CLAIMS FBI

ANNA CHAPMAN, the suspected Russian spy, also has a cracking set of charlies, the FBI confirmed last night.


This photo of Chapman clearly shows the side of one of her tits

US investigators are concerned that the international media has become obsessed with Chapman's face and flowing red hair and has lost sight of the fact that her tits are absolutely phenomenal.

A spokesman said: "Let's not forget what we are dealing with here. And imagine the damage they could have done to our democracy as they bounced up and down on top of it for hours on end.

"This was nothing less than an attempt to have a long, hot, soapy shower with the highest levels of our government. Really, really soapy. Soap everywhere...

"Soap."

He added: "Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the point is, this woman needs to remain in custody for ages.

"At the moment we see no need for her to even go on trial. She's much better off where she is, just doing her stretching exercises and eating lots of ice lollies."

Chapman has been charged with one count of refusing to accept a fake passport from an undercover FBI agent and one count of having the kind of dirty-pretty face that suggests she may know those sexual positions previously believed to be mythical.

Meanwhile it has emerged that the other female spy suspects arrested last week range from somewhat dowdy, to weird looking, to out and out big fat cow.

An FBI source said 'Patricia Mills' was found in possession of a baked bean with a camera in it, a lipstick that turns into a gun that turns into a helicopter and a brand new pair of knife-shoes.

But the source added: "Unfortunately she also has a slight moustache, a wonky left eye and tremendously disappointing boobs.

"We'll probably just let her go."

BBC STARS TO REVEAL WHAT THEY DO WITH THE MONEY

THE BBC's most famous names will be forced to reveal how they spend their magnificent salaries, it has been confirmed.

The BBC Trust has scrapped a plan to publish the pay deals of the corporation's biggest stars, insisting licence payers would receive better value for money if they just provided an item by item breakdown of all their stuff.

Last night a host of BBC celebrities pre-empted the move with Fiona Bruce claiming it was perfectly normal for an Antiques Roadshow presenter to have a restored 18th century barn full of cheese that they go and sit in when the feel lonely.

She said: "When Hugh Scully told me about his cheese barn, I thought he was deeply unwell. But it's turned out to be an absolute lifesaver."

In a defiant statement, University Challenge interrogator Jeremy Paxman said he had built up his collection over many years, there was nothing suspicious about it and he only ever uses them for re-frothing his cappuccinos.

And News 24 stalwarts Philip Hayton and Matthew Amroliwala said they would not be apologising for keeping more than 200 malnourished hostages in a dungeon and bringing them out at weekends to recreate American Civil War battles.

Hayton dresses up as Confederate General Robert E Lee and Amroliwala plays maverick Union commander Ulysses S Grant. Since 2007 both sides have been using real bullets, leading to a steep increase in the cost of new 'recruits'.

It has also emerged that Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson has more than 800 china figurines with unusually large mouths, while Andrew Marr's Andrew Marr pays funeral directors thousands of pounds to supply him with plaster of Paris buttock casts of famous people who have recently died.

A BBC insider said: "Last year he paid £750,000 for a mould of Walter Kronkite's arse. He touches it before every show. Then he touches himself. I don't like it here."

Meanwhile Delia Smith has insisted her massive gun collection is purely sexual.

Click the link for the potentially NSFW pic

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts ... 007012867/

ATHEISTS DECLARE VICTORY AFTER JORDAN MARRIAGE BLESSING


ATHEISTS claimed victory last night after the church which hosted Jordan's marriage blessing failed to burst into flames.


Piss off, Jesus

On Saturday the celebrity thing and her monkey husband were blessed by the vicar of St Paul's in Woldingham, Surrey, but by Sunday evening the church was bathed in the golden glow of a July sunset, which experts confirmed was the light of a million, billion nuclear explosions being refracted in the earth's atmosphere, rather than love radiating from the giant heart of an omnipotent super-being.

Humanist, Tom Logan, said: "Bullseye. We knew that if she-who-is-Jordan tried to squeeze even more money out of her wedding by having a religious blessing then God would be forced to reveal his or herself in the most destructive and blood-thirsty way imaginable

"Christians have always been rather uncomfortable with the idea of a God who fails to intervene in the face of genocide and Uruguayan referees, while at the same time trying to explain it away with the pathetically self-contradictory notion of an omniscient creator who allows free will. But I'll tell you what, they're [LIFTED] now."

He added: "To be honest, part of me was actually hoping the font would be transformed into a column of white hot flame which would then emit jets of pure energy vaporising everyone in the church. Or at least melting their faces like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Julian Cook, the associate dean of Bath Abbey, said: "This looks bad. I've always been a slavish adherent to the free will theory, but, at the same time, there has to be a cut-off point.

"Even my Jewish friends agree that this empty, squalid tart using a church for money would finally provoke some sort of fiery response from the Great Jehovah. How long does it take to become a vet?"

Meanwhile, it is understood the Pope tried to stop the blessing on Friday by sending the Archbishop of Canterbury a brief note which read: "Trust me, this will [LIFTED] us up."

But the message did not reach Lambeth Palace until yesterday afternoon because the Vatican still uses pen and paper, insisting electronic mail is a manifestation of Beelzebubbery.

Helen Archer, an atheist from Stevenage, said: "I am slightly conflicted in that I do not believe in God in any way, but I do think that Katie Price might be Satan.

"Or at least the earthly form of a mid-ranking demon like Belphegor or Pazuzu."

Your weekly stars
Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Enough is enough. Jeremy Bowen must reinstate his moustache.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After a painstaking six years, you have finally managed to recreate your entire class from when you were fourteen using shop-front dummies and real human hair. NOW we'll see who's going to grow up to be a loser.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You're a middle-aged man stuck in a lifeless marriage and your dull trip to Tokyo is enlivened by a whirlwind romance with an incredibly nubile Scarlett Johannson. Only kidding, you're going to spend the whole time masturbationg and eating overpriced cashew nuts in your hotel room.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it. All I'm asking is for two proofs of address. A recent utility bill is fine.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your last date involved coprophilia, bestiality and analingus. What a fantastic game of Scrabble. Especially after all that filthy, dead-goat sex.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
By learning French, restoring your cottage using local artisan craftsman, respecting the architectural integrity of the region and throwing yourself into local life, you've ensured the lifelong hatred of all your neighbours for being such a smug prick. And that's a Frenchman calling you smug, mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You begin to realise that your youth is over when you stop associating Saturday mornings with the smell of vomit and a stranger's genitals and replace it with the smell of the weekend papers and the bitter tang of regret.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If the last couple of days have been a bit overcast, why not cheer the place up by saying 'Well, that's summer over with!' to every single [LIFTED] person you meet?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
See, your problem is the pointing's got creeping water ingress across the semi-perm barrier, the boundary wall's showing secondary slippage and your V-frame is on its last legs. Now write me a cheque for four grand or I'll force you to admit you haven't understood a word of that in front of your wife.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A gentle foot-rub or a back massage can be a lovely way to relax your partner after a stressful day at work. And it's all money in the oral sex bank, too.

Taurus (20 APRIL-20 MAY)
Don't listen to what everyone says. Don't look at the direct results of your actions. Or the repeated pattern of failure and recriminations. Or why you're currently living in a burnt-out Transit van. You're doing just great.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Acknowledging that you're never going to get on with your neighbours makes it so much easier to walk around your flat sporting nothing but a Batman mask and a cheeky wee hard-on.

ELITE SKANK ACADEMIES 'MUST ADMIT MORE WORKING CLASS SLUTS'

PRIVATE skank academies are under pressure to admit more budding footballer semen receptacles from low-income families.

Latest figures show almost 50% of girls spit-roasted by high-fiving sportsmen in mid-price hotels in the last year have attended a specialist, fee-paying slut academy, such as £6,000-a-term St Agatha's in Guildford.

St Agatha's, whose motto is Latin for 'orange and dirty', teaches a broad curriculum, including threesomology and how to arrange a floral display with a mouth full of happily married wing-back.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the The Institute for Studies, warned the rise of private skank education was creating a 'two-tier' system of vacuous, bow-legged tarts.

He said: "The girls from the top schools are getting all the premier league footballers, while those without formal training are restricted to lower-status players, spiky-haired local radio DJs and Beppe from Eastenders.

"They'd consider themselves lucky to fellate Dean Gafney behind a skip.

"Skankosity, once the preserve of the untermenschen, is being increasingly co-opted by the middle class. A bit like caravan holidays and having an allotment."

Would-be skank Nikki Hollis said her state school education has left her excluded from the upper echelons of slutting.

"I think we had one lesson where we watched a video of toads mating and got a leaflet about gonorrhea. How's that going to help me lure the cream of Britain's sporting and musical talent to the Stoke Holiday Inn Express? Just because my family aren't rich, it doesn't mean I can't have dreams."

She added: "But I'd do anything to achieve this. And when I say anything, I mean utter filth."

SNOOP TO PIMP OUT DEIRDRE BARLOW

RAPPER Snoop Dogg is to feature in a Coronation Street storyline that sees him running a stable of psychotic crack whores from above the shop.


[LIFTED] up on crack and [LIFTED]

The star is a big fan of the show and insists on Bettie's Hotpot as part of his backstage rider. He also remixed the theme tune for his recent album Weatherfield This, [LIFTED].

Dogg said: "I be chilling with some mild in the Rover's Retizzle while my shorties Deirde, Gail and Janice take turns on my dizzle.

"Then that bitch [LIFTED] Ken Barlow be all up in my grill, fronting about some plannng application 'til I have to pop a cap in his [LIFTED]' head."

Coronation Street producers had been keen to celebrate the show's 50th anniversary with a tram-based bloodbath, but now insiders are hinting the wage bill could be reduced with a drive-by shooting as Snoop and Deirdre turn up the Fiddy Cent and spray a bus stop with a pair of Uzis.

Snoop added: "In the show, I turn out Deirdre 'cos she been out of cash since the council made her redundant.

"I drive her wrinkled ass to Bolton and tell her not to come back 'less she got my money. Then she gets all [LIFTED] up on crack and [LIFTED] and tells me she got some scores to settle with some bitches and [LIFTED].

"We take down the bus queue and then get out of the car and dance real dirty as that badass, theme tune trumpet [LIFTED] comes on."

The storyline is the first time a US star has appeared in a long-running UK show since Harvey Keitel reprised his 'Bad Lieutenant' role in Last Of The Summer Wine in 2003.

The BBC received 48 million complaints after Norah Batty was pulled over in her car and forced to watch Keitel masturbate into a cup.

Coronation Street producer Roy Hobbs, said: "It's great to have Snoop here and in 10 years' time when we're fending off further accusations of racism for having so few black characters on the show because our audience is afraid of them, then maybe he can come back."

ANY CHANCE YOU COULD DO KAY BURLEY? ROTHBURY ASKS ARMED POLICE

RESIDENTS in Rothbury have asked armed police if one of them has a minute to take down Sky's Kay Burley.


'What's going through Raoul Moat's head right now? We'll be asking someone who could not possibly have the faintest idea'

The sleepy Northumberland village has been under siege since the anchorwoman arrived yesterday morning, armed with a world-weary camera crew and a head full of her usual stupid [LIFTED].

Martin Bishop, a retired engineer, said: "She stopped me in the street and asked me how terrified I was on a scale from one to 14 and a half.

"When I said I wasn't particularly bothered because the place was swarming with police and the suspect seems to be a particularly special kind of moron whose name appears to have been randomly thrown together, she immediately accused me of hiding him in my shed.

"And of course by this time I am just looking at her blankly and wishing to God that a little red dot would appear in the middle of her forehead."

Local parish councillor, Nathan Muir, added: "She kept asking me how many times I had been to the toilet and I kept trying to catch the eye of a policeman with a large handgun and then motioning towards her with my head."

And Emma Bradford, a housewife and mother of three, said: "Kay Burley asked me how responsible I felt - on a scale from six to 32 - for allowing this man to park his car in my community.

"When I repeatedly refused to apologise she then threatened to report me to social services and said I was obviously on heroin.

"And yet for some reason all these police insist on chasing a heavily armed killer."

Meanwhile, earlier today, as the police continue to scour the surrounding countryside, one of the villagers sneaked up to Burley and attached a hand written note to her back which read 'I am Raoul Moat in a bad wig'.

GRADUATES WHO EARN MORE TO BE TAXED FOR TURNING UP TO LECTURES


A NEW graduate tax will see those bothered to turn up, get a good degree and a lucrative career pay a higher rate than the likes of you.

Business secretary Vince Cable said the tax would only work if those who made any kind of effort at university were willing to take some of the financial burden off the stinking, pissed-up arseholes who wasted everyone's time.

He added: "It is a central tenet of Liberal Democrat philosophy that the harder you work, the more tax you should pay."

Edinburgh graduate Tom Logan, now deputy chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "When I was taking exactly the same courses and being taught in exactly the same way as my classmates, the knowledge did go into my brain in a way that reeked of privilege.

"I obviously gave myself an unfair advantage by actually reading what was on the list, studying until 3am and getting a first and so it's only right that someone like me should pay a higher rate of graduate tax than a guy who who spends three years with a bong up his arse before going on to work for some [LIFTED] marketing company."

UCL gradate Helen Archer, now a European vice-president of Vodafone, said: "Mr Cable has made me realise that the university was not providing me with a straightforward educational service, it was in fact handing me a gold-plated passport to a life of magnificent everything and all I had to do in exchange was work my [LIFTED] arse off for three years.

"Tesco should really be charging me twice as much for the same bag of satsumas as people who are not as clever and hard working as me, because, after all, I can afford it."

She added: "D'you think maybe it's time we installed one of those big digital counters in Picadilly Circus to record the ever increasing number of people who have just realised that Vince Cable is actually full of [LIFTED]?"