Hot. A cold pie just isn't funny, in light of the new VAT.

That's remarkably similar to the one outside the Caulkheads pub in Sandown.

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

The gf asked me last night if I could be more like Manchester City during sex. "What do you mean?" I asked. She replied, "Stay on top for ages, then come second!!!!"

Recently discovered body of a Pharaoh was found embalmed in chocolate.
Archaeologists believe he was the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

Stay here, I'll get your coat.

The perfect ten pinter. I am unashamed to admit I will be using that one.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Man : Doctor, there seems to be something wrong with my knee
Doctor : hmm. I see. Well, you're going to have to stop masterbating for a start.
Man : What? Why?
Doctor : SO I CAN EXAMINE YOUR KNEE.

What's the Greek word for cock sucker?

Contostavlos

It's also a right mouthful

I don't get that one

How does Moses make his tea
Hebrews it