Damn right too.

Celebrity Masterchef is not something I'd normally bother with but somehow I've become totally engrossed in the latest series which ends tomorrow. I'd never have thought that a TV show about competing amateur chefs could be so tense as the three remaining competitors struggle to produce "top-end" food under serious pressure, but it really is.

And I've seen quite a few horror films in my time but I cringed when Christine Hamilton began a dish of pig's head tureen by hacking a pig's head in half with a meat cleaver splattering brains, bone and teeth over the work surface. She had to use everything except the snout, including the ears....

"Plate it up!"

Ok, I've just watched episode three of The Deep.

Can't wait for episode four because, if I guess any more of the plot, I reckon I have a solid chance of convincing the BBC the whole thing was my idea and claim a portion of the royalties.

Can I have my three hours back please?

It is pretty well sign posted and predictable.

Vexed - watch it, it's great!

Comedy drama following the exploits of unorthodox police detectives Jack and Kate, who struggle to balance their everyday problems with their duties. A killer is suspected of selecting victims from among a supermarket's loyalty card customers, and when the gossip-hungry duo are called in to investigate, they revel in the chance to explore the scheme's database.

Starring Lucy Punch and Toby Stephens

BBC2 N Ireland 9:40pm-10:40pm (1 hour ) Sat 21 Aug

Season four of Dexter started last night on FX, funny watching a serial killer trying to fit in new family life....lol

Charlie Brooker's Screen burn: Ghosthunting With Katie, Alex And Friends

Wow. I never thought I'd live to see Jordan come face to face with a screaming, wailing, bona fide, three-dimensional ghost. Britain's top former glamour model and flat-voiced celebrity Aunt Sally confronted by indisputable proof of the afterlife – and on camera?

Surely this simply wouldn't happen, I reasoned. And then I saw Ghosthunting With Katie, Alex And Friends (Sat, 10pm, ITV2), and had all my preconceptions confirmed to their very foundations.

We all know what these Ghosthunting shows consist of: underwhelming footage of people standing around in spooky old buildings after dark, listening out for the odd indistinct bump in the night and doing their best to look scared. Approximately 50% of each episode is shot using night vision cameras, which gives the whole thing the look of a Paris Hilton sex tape, but with notably less visible ectoplasm. This is the same as ever, but featuring Katie Price and Alex Reid and two of their friends, a gay couple called Phil and Gary. Gary, amusingly, looks just like Marc Wootton playing Shirley Ghostman.

It's a slightly flawed concept, because – and I hate to break this to you like this, bluntly, in the middle of a TV review column – ghosts don't exist. Nonetheless, many people insist on believing in them anyway. These citizens are beyond help. Ask if they believe in Scooby-Doo too, and they'll accuse you of sarcasm, even though he was at least based on something with some grounding in honest reality – ie the animal known as a "dog" – unlike the spooks and ghoulies that chased him and Shaggy around, which inevitably turned out to be local gas station attendants wearing costumes to scare people away from the gold they'd discovered.

Anyhow. Since ghosts don't exist, you're guaranteed to never see a ghost in an episode of Ghosthunting, no matter how hard they hunt for one. They might as well film themselves searching for Smurf eggs or trying to jump over the moon. But they don't. They just stand around breathing. For two hours.

Yes, I hate to be the bringer of bad news for the second time in one column, but this programme is two hours long. One hundred and twenty minutes of non-ghost action. One episode of Mad Men has a running time of approximately 42 minutes; fast-forward through the credits and you could squeeze in three of those before this was over. And I bring up Mad Men for a reason, because often nothing much happens in that either – but at least it's an interesting nothing. Two hours of Katie Price and Alex Reid exploring an empty house may be an apt metaphor for our times, but it's hardly compelling TV. If it wasn't for the ads you could mistake it for a screensaver.

Still, the night is not without its controversies. At one point Gary baulks at participating in a Ouija board reading in a chapel, because of "the respect thing". "I'm not religious in any way," he claims, "although I am Church of England."

Katie Price herself comes across surprisingly well, incidentally, because she spends much of her time tutting, moaning, saying things like "this is [LIFTED]", and giggling whenever Alex Reid tries to communicate with the netherworld. In fact, her lack of respect for the entire spook-chasing conceit causes nigh-on constant bickering among the group, lending events the air of a dysfunctional family on a claustrophobic camping holiday. Imagine the conversations that might break out if the Mystery Machine got stuck in a ditch for nine hours. It's like that.

Occasionally Katie stops sniggering and professes to be slightly scared – although it's hard to ascertain whether she's telling the truth, since her face never registers any emotion whatsoever, as though it's never even been hooked up to that part of her brain. This isn't a Botox thing: seriously, have you ever seen her pull a single identifiable facial expression at all? She's like a face on a banknote. Cold and unknowable. And omnipresent. And reeking of money.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/ ... creen-burn

Gotta love Brooker

The Hills Have Eyes

Tonight at 10:50 on Film 4 is Alexandre Aja's recent remake of the 70's horror film. It's a remake that far surpasses the original low budget effort and so becomes a remake that was actually worth doing, so worth seeing for the rarity value alone. It's a brutal film in places but is not a torture-porn film and isn't just a parade of gruesome killings.

*dislikes*

I will not even put the telly on if that is the highlight of the night!

Indeed. I'd only watch it if Katie and Alex and their' friends' had all passed into the afterlife themselves.

TVs were made for Babestation. Nuff said.

Watched the last 10 minutes of it last night and it was as awful as I thought. Alex and Katie will have split by Christmas. I'm gonna start a book, who's betting?

No, Babestation was made for TVs. If you saw any of those things in the flesh, you'd probably puke. I dread to think what what happen if they ever go HD.

Mind you, it's been about 5yrs since I last saw it, so maybe standards have improved....

I seriously doubt it.