I think I felt in your situation a while back. I've had partners and girlfriends. But I've spent long periods without either. Being alone meant I took up more hobbies and interests. I watched more stuff on TV, played more games. got more into geeky things. Having a partner has always taken me away from that. Not that I'm complaining about being with someone, but I have found that my PS3 hasn't been switched on for months, I can just about manage following Suits on netflix, I don't know where my dSLR is and I haven't been to the gym for a few months now.

The problem with being used to enjoying your own company is that sometimes you miss it.

I think there's a difference between being 'only' happy in a relationship and being comfortable and happy on your own, then sharing the person that you are with someone else. I always think of it more as two complete people sharing a life experience, than the more traditional 'other half' concept. I would much rather be a complete person who happens to be sharing a life with another complete person (or complete people) than someone who feels incomplete without a partner.

I wouldn't like anyone to be that needy in a relationship with me, I like to have a degree of freedom even in a marriage, we go out and do our own thing, have our own interests and hobbies, we don't spend all our time together and I prefer that. It's unfair to pin the expectation on someone else that they will 'complete' you and make you happy, you have to be able to be happy being own, so you are a complete package for the person you love, rather than use a relationship to prop up deficiencies and insecurities.

That's all I meant.

It's strange in that since I met my fiancee, I've spent all of our free time together. Unlike other relationships, we're barely apart. The only time I'm "alone" is when she's working and I have the day off.

Yes and no. I was happy being single for a long time, I didn't have an intimate relationship, but I had lots of close friends. I didn't "need" an intimate to be happy. I would have been a nice bonus, but on the other hand it brings some negatives with it as well. I love my wife, but sometimes I feel not having somebody else around would be nice for a few days - hey, she is in Dresden this weekend and I can do what I want around the house!

Exactly.

No one has mentioned sex? That is a crucial part of being in a relationship with someone surely?


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Not necessarily. you can be intimate with someone without actual sex, many people with disabilities have long and fulfilling relationships that have nothing to do with sex. It may be 'a factor' in attraction, but it's not the be-all and end-all.

I just sort of assume that's part and parcel of it really. Good, isn't it?

Sex does not have to be just 5 min in the dark with your socks on I think having someone that has the same desire of intimacy as you is a huge part of a relationship


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LMFTFY.
And yes, I agree. There's also emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, which should (hopefully) match and be reciprocated.

Sex is for sure important. But I think the subconscious desires that drive us are different to the secondary and tertiary brain emotions and thoughts that we express when thinking about what we want in partners.

At this present moment, I still have a sex drive, but because my emotional [LIFTED] is [LIFTED] up, it seems more difficult than in an otherwise "normal" single state (lets take Caz's as an example for argument sake) to express or come to terms with. I've only had one 1 night stand ever and whilst "dating" would seem like a great distraction in my current situation, I don't have the capacity to seek it out when ultimately, I still want to be in a relationship in the long term.

Additional thought, if you want kids, how do you choose the person to do that with? If you think it's best to be ok with yourself and refuse to acknowledge that we're designed to raise children and therefore pass on our knowledge via genetics (see Luc Besson's "Lucy") via the mechanism of the couple, that doesn't make sense. Also, given nobody wants to stay with anybody for any length of life these days, do we just stop having kids, or do we acknowledge that we're having them for selfish reasons and not to provide the best future for the next generation...?

p.s. Thanks everybody for taking this seriously and thinking about it

This might be pertinent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPwzUNGXOXA

With regards to children, we live on a seriously overpopulated planet. In a lot of ways (emotional pulls aside) the best thing you can do for the long term good of the planet is to not have children. And yes, I'm aware as the parent to two children that this point is perhaps somewhat hypocritical.

As to the original question, you know the rough details of my story, but meeting Tora was very much a matter of meeting whilst not looking for a girlfriend (I was looking for a room to rent). Up to that point though, I'd only ever even asked a girl out once, and had never actually been out with anyone.

I agree Jon. I don't have any children of my own. My wife has 2 daughters (both now in their twenties). When the time came, we decided that we didn't want any more children - and it gets more dangerous for her to have more children with each passing year - so I had the snip, so that she didn't have to endanger her health further with pills or implants. Sometimes I feel sad about not having my own progeny, but I feel like her daughters are my daughters (and one wants me to adopt her, after her paternal grandparents die).

I also wasn't looking, I'd pretty much given up, when I met my wife.

As to the question of sex, for me that goes hand-in-hand with love, so as I went for long spells without a girlfriend that I loved that also meant long spells of no sex. On the one hand I felt a little jealous of those that could separate the two, but I am who am I am and I could live with "saving myself" for the right person.

Hell yes.
Even when I was a bitter and twisted single person, I always knew I didn't need anybody else in my life to be happy.
I wanted someone else in my life, I didn't need them.I'm not single, but I'm still going to answer this ...
As an individual choice, no.
I was single because I needed to know that the other person was properly out of my system, it wouldn't have been fair on either me or the other person if I started a relationship with them while I was still pining/bitter about my previous relationship.Relieve yourself of that bitterness. The only person it is going to harm is yourself.
I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad break-up, but whatever happened there, it's in the past and if you really can't do anything about it (as your brain tells you) then just try to leave it behind.
Four months isn't that long though, so at this stage I'd still be feeling bad about a break-up too.
In the past it has taken me five years to get over someone/a bad break-up, so at this point I wouldn't be beating yourself up too much at this stage - even though I don't know what caused it - and I don't need to.
Just take the time to heal.Ha! Of course it does, it's not the outsiders that are feeling what you are - though they may have done in the past!
People often ask questions seeking what they want to hear as answers, not what they should hear as answers. (8+pMan, we can't answer this one for you.
It's your call what you do with your life and how you do it.
I suspect you are hurting too much right now to see clearly what it is you should be doing, so come to terms with where you are in life right now before making any big emotional decisions.
That's not to say acting on impulse should be off-limits to you, just be aware of where you were and where you are now, emotionally speaking.I suspect at this point you just have to try and find yourself again. When you are in a relationship, you try and make things all about the two of you - and why wouldn't you? then the chances are anything that was just YOU hasn't been there for a while, and you'll need to find that again.

I've tried not to repeat what's already been said elsewhere in this thread by others, I suspsct I've failed on several levels.

Mark